A Reflection on Anger, Revenge, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation
“Why would you do that?” My mother asked me in disbelief. I’m sure I stammered about some perceived wrong done to me first. I knew it was wrong at the time. It was mean and it was purposeful. “But I was angry,” I reasoned to myself. “I was only getting even.” Therein lay the problem.
Anger
Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.
Aristotle
What’s wrong with being angry? An incident of Jesus’ anger is recorded in all four gospels:
In the temple he found those who were selling oxen and sheep and pigeons, and the money-changers at their business. And making a whip of cords, he drove them all, with the sheep and oxen, out of the temple; and he poured out the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables. And he told those who sold the pigeons, “Take these things away; you shall not make my Father’s house a house of trade.” His disciples remembered that it was written, “Zeal for thy house will consume me.” – John 2:14-17 (see also MT 21, MK 11, LK 19)
Anger in and of itself is not evil. Scripture says, “Be angry, but do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26), while admonishing we should be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Patience and self-control are fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), thus any angry actions must not be reactions but taken only after prayer and an examination of the reasons for our anger. Jesus’ zeal was righteous anger, focused on the pilgrims that were being cheated and the sanctity of the temple. My anger was self-righteous, focused on me and my feelings.
Revenge
“Hatred and bitterness and anger only consume the vessel that contains them. It doesn’t hurt another soul. If I were to allow myself to continue to feel that anger and the bitterness of being a victim, I would have never survived prison.”
Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, who spent 19 years in prison following a wrongful conviction
“Take no revenge or bear no grudge against your fellow countrymen,” God commands us. He concludes, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18). The Apostle Paul gets to the nub of it in the epistle to the Romans “If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all” (12:18), which infers that, sometimes, it isn’t possible. But more on that in a bit.
When I was 17 or 18 I borrowed the bike a of neighborhood acquaintance for a few minutes to run an errand. It took more than a few minutes, and when I returned to the schoolyard where he was sitting he came down and punched me in the face, not only before other teens but in front of my mother as well. I was humiliated. I glared up at him from the street, and he reacted as if to continue the beating, but a friend intervened and walked him away. He was bigger and stronger than me, and I fantasized about taking my revenge with a knife or a bat when he wasn’t expecting it. I slept poorly and planned my revenge. Other events intervened, and thanks be to God I did not end up self-righteously retaliating. There are times when we must righteously act though. In the movie Sling Blade a developmentally disabled man sacrifices himself for his friends, and the movie Gran Torino follows a similar theme. Out of justice, not revenge, there may be a time when we in real life are asked to lay down our lives out of love, in righteous anger if necessary, or in loving acceptance as Jesus did for us (John 15:13).
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.
Unknown
“Forgive us our trespasses,” we pray. How appropriate that we admit to our heavenly Father that we are sinners, and ask him for his forgiveness. Only the prayer doesn’t end there, does it?. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” THAT is the prayer. Uh-oh. Jesus goes on to say, “If you do not forgive others neither will your Father forgive you” (Matthew 6:15). There are two kinds of forgiveness: Transactional forgiveness and unilateral forgiveness. If I tell you I’m sincerely sorry for hurting you and you decide to forgive me, that is transactional and our relationship is at least partly repaired. But what if I am not repentant, or worse, I don’t think I wronged you at all? You can still forgive me, but it is a unilateral decision. A person does not need to ask for forgiveness to be forgiven, and forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting, or continuing in relationship for that matter. You can choose to forgive a person, and still decide it is best for all to discontinue the relationship. In that case you “shake the dust from your feet in testimony against them,” (Luke 9:5) i.e, leave them in the past.
Reconciliation
First, go and be reconciled with your brother or sister…[then] be reconciled with God.
Matthew 5:24, 2 Corinthians 5:20
Reconciliation is a four-step process: 1) Repent 2) Confess 3) Ask for forgiveness for our part in the split and, ideally, 4) Reconcile. This is the Biblical formula. Forgiveness is ours for free (“Father forgive them, for they know not what they do”) but reconciliation requires our response. If you have sinned against someone, and it would not cause renewed pain to ask forgiveness, then do so. If it would be too painful to the individual to bring up the hurt or the person is no longer around, then ask God to give them and you peace. If possible, seek forgiveness from your brother or sister first, then seek reconcilation with God. If it has been a long time since you have celebrated the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation, by all means go back. Tell the priest how long it has been and he’ll gently guide you through. Don’t miss out on that wonderful grace another week. Confess. Be reconciled!
The Goya-Goya Incident
I was the second oldest of eight, with four younger sisters. One of my sisters took to hooking her pinkie finger through the tag of her stuffed animal while sucking her thumb and making a guttural “goya-goya-goya” sound from the back of her throat. As the sister grew she stopped sucking her thumb, but continued to hold her special friends by their tags. which the whole family took to calling “goya-goyas.” After feeling wronged I snipped the tag of her favorite animal in two, so she couldn’t hold it by her pinkie anymore. “Why would you do that?” My mother asked me in disbelief. “It’s ruined for her now. Why?”
I don’t even know anymore. I knew it was wrong at the time. It was mean and it was purposeful. I wish I hadn’t. So to all my family and friends may I now say I’m truly sorry the things I said or did, whether years ago or just yeterday. Will you forgive me?
Feature Image by Bruno /Germany from Pixabay.
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